7 Steps to Get Your Hot Mess Life Under Control

It’s Saturday morning. The birds are chirping. The soft sunshine is filtering through the curtains bathing your kitchen in a warm, golden glow. The coffee your Darling Husband made for you is perfect- not too weak and not too hot. The chair out back is calling your name. You just need a good book and a blanket. You go to grab your blanket when…

You oldest asks you what’s for breakfast. You remember you made a list for the grocery store but didn’t have time to grab anything last night. You’ve got lists that have lists that have lists: things to do for school, things to buy, curriculum to look into, chores that need completed, a bullet point on a to-do list just to make the chores list, things to organize around the house, bible verses to read later, and, as always, the never-ending pile of laundry is screaming at you from the hallway. Because let’s face it, those laundry baskets are overflowing. It’s okay to admit it. We’ve all been there.

Now, you are running from washer to dryer to couch with loads of clean laundry falling behind you on the dirty floor that you still haven’t gotten around to mopping. Before you know it, an hour has passed by. Your coffee is cold, and you’ve already heated it three times. Your stomach is growling and that’s when you realize you’re nauseous with hunger. As if on cue, your youngest is asking for a snack. You haven’t taken your morning medications yet, but the dog also needs to go out. You have to get her some food and water, too. You need to schedule that vet appointment you forgot about.

In the chaos, the kids turned on the T.V. instead of doing their chores, and before you can tell them to get off, the dryer buzzes. While folding laundry, you remember that you are upset about something Darling Husband forgot to do, something the happened in college that you just remembered that was vaguely related to a t-shirt you folded, and something on the news this morning has you stressed. You recall the panic attack you had last night before bed. You need to text the therapist to make a therapy appointment. Add that to one of the lists. Oh! And the water bill is due.

It can feel Never-ending-

If your brain is neurodivergent like mine, it can be very difficult to deal with everyday life. Tasks pile up so fast, and it seems like I never have time for myself. I want to prioritize self-care, but my role as a mom and wife seem to come before myself. I become irritable and try to take control over things before the mess gets too big, but that only makes everything worse. If I let go of it, my Darling family will let it fall to pieces. They usually get “hurt” in the process in some way or another. Hence, the piles of overflowing laundry in the hallway that I am doing today. Meanwhile, no one has any clean clothes to wear. Stress makes my health issues worse, and some days, I cannot physically do anything because of pain or symptom management. It’s a vicious cycle of control, irritation, miscommunication, stress, and illness.

So, What gives?

After several years of therapy, a little over a decade of being a mom, and much prayer and bible study, I want to share a list of 7 steps that I’ve learned and believe can help you gain control over your hot mess lives too. It’s sounds counter-productive, but to gain control, you must let go of control. I know, I know. Stay with me here!

Read the steps first, and let me know what you think in the comments!

1. Pray

In the midst of the daily grind, it can be difficult to see outside the haze of never-ending tasks, negativity, and emotions. It can be much harder to actually remember to ASK for help, especially when the tasks seem so tiny in comparison to many of the problems in the world. Just like we want to hear all the mundane things about our children’s days, God wants to hear from us.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 says “pray without ceasing.” That means we need to pray constantly to God. Speak to Him in your mind, tell him your worries, pray over the simple things and big things with the same fervor, and let Him get to know your heart intimately. It can feel like venting, but unlike venting, doesn’t result in a build-up of emotional resentment. The good thing about venting to God- He doesn’t gossip and will never lead us astray. He always listens: “before they call, I will answer; while they are still speaking, I will hear.” Isaiah 65:24.

2. Trust God

A lot of my need to control stems from a place of fear- fear of the unknown. Fear that bills won’t be paid and lights will be cut off. Fear of failure- if I don’t have everything perfectly done someone will criticize my home, my parenting, my kids’ outfits, my organizational skills, etc. Some of that is because of how I was raised. Some of that is because of my personality. Some of that is from simply wanting to be the best mom and wife possible for Darling Husband and our Bug and Boo.

God has other plans for us though. Isaiah 41:10 says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” God’s plan for us is to simply live: enjoy our lives, love each other, and let Him carry us through the good and the bad.

We can also rest knowing that God never lies or breaks promises. Numbers 23:19 says “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Those promises may take time to be fulfilled like with Abraham and Sarah having Isaac in their old age. Promises may be delayed due to our own actions like when God had the Israelites wander the desert for 40 years, after fleeing Egypt, before entering the land of Canaan. Isn’t it freeing to know that our God calls himself “the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End?” If the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End cares enough about me to hold me in his righteous right hand, I’m going to rest and trust him to care for me. After all, I truly have no control over anything except myself.

3. Study the Word

John 1:1 “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”

The Bible is the Word on paper. Jesus is the Word in the flesh. The Holy Spirit is the Word in the Spirit. God is the Word and the Word is God. When we study the Word of God, we are learning who God is, what he expects of us as Christians, and learning stories of people who have walked this out in their lives before us.

Reading the Word can be a passive activity, where we read the Word, tune out what we are reading, put it away, and go on with our lives. It can also be an active experience if we let it. We read to understand. We apply the Word to our daily lives. We change our actions and thinking to fit what God wants from us. We use the Word as a weapon in spiritual battles.

Ephesians 6:10-18 tells us how to put on the Armor of God daily to be strong in our walk with Christ. Verse 17 says “take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God.” Studying the Word can make all the difference between eternal life or death. Therefore, letting go of a stressful situation by focusing on the Word of God instead of the situation can have a powerful impact on our perspectives.

4. The Golden Rule

During hard times, control issues can arise. We don’t like the stress and uncertainty of a situation, so we try to control everything to have a certain outcome. I become more critical and impatient with everyone around me, including myself. No one moves fast enough. Nothing is done the right way. If I do it all, then I know it’s done right, and I can finally breathe. When my health conditions prevent me from being able to perform at my best physically, I become self-critical. The stress of perfection makes my autoimmune conditions flare.

Letting go of control means remembering that God created each person on earth and loves us all the same with his unending selfless love. Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:12 “so in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Luke 6:31 says “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

For me, this means I have to stop trying to control everything and everyone. Don’t be hateful when I get stressed. Remind myself I am not God that I could control the situation. God brought these people here for a reason. They all have a purpose and place in this, and God loves all of these people. I need to show love for them too by helping them, loving them, and being kind. As we say in the Darling House, “Teamwork makes the dream work.”

5. Love Yourself, too

I struggle with this one more than any other step so far. Self-hatred runs deep within me. Rejection and abandonment wounds cut into the core of who I am, way back in my infancy. I’m learning who I am TO God and also IN God because THAT identity is not the same as who I have been to my family and in my family. I look in the mirror and see an un-loveable, un-worthy, disgusting human being who no one can ever truly care about because the thing within me that allows people to like me must be broken. I’ve searched and searched for that thing to purge it from my mind, soul, or body without success. In response, I control who I allow in my space, and I guard myself from people so that I cannot be hurt in any way. I isolate myself and have for years. That is the price I chose to pay to not be hurt. But now God is telling me to let that part go too.

1. I’ve had to remind myself of who God says I am, not who THEY say I am. Psalm 139:13-16 says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
2. God sees me as his child: 1 John 3:1 “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.”
3. God loves me, too: John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”

6. Be Humble

John 4:7-8, 10 “Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you…. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” When we repent of our sins to God, he forgives us and comes near to us. By drawing closer to God, we are allowing him into the situation to heal us, fix what’s broken, and in doing so, take control.

1 Peter 5:5-7 ” All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another because “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” By being humble and giving all of our anxieties to God, he takes care of us on his own timeline, not ours. This means that letting go of control of a timeline is also necessary. It doesn’t happen when we want it to, but when God does.

Many people quote C.S. Lewis as writing, “humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” While this is actually more of a summary of his thoughts in Mere Christianity, I agree with him here. Humbleness in the Christian sense, doesn’t mean negative self-talk or being downtrodden, but to focus on God and furthering his Kingdom in a way that doesn’t elevate self in boastfulness, but elevates God through you. Allowing God to control our paths, our lives, and aligning our choices to his in such a way is letting go completely.

7. Walk in Peace

The account of Jesus walking on the water was written about in Matthew 14 and Mark 6. In both books, Jesus walked across the lake while his disciples were struggling to row the boat against the wind and the waves. They believed that Jesus was a ghost on the water and were frightened, until Jesus spoke to them and got in the boat with them. Immediately, the waves calmed.

In another account of Jesus’ miracles, Jesus spoke directly to the storm to be still, and the storm obeyed (Mark 4: 35-41). In both accounts, Jesus was at peace doing his tasks regardless of what was going on around him. He didn’t mind the waves, he was walking across the water to get to the next destination. Jesus slept through the storm, but the people were afraid and woke him, so Jesus stopped the storm and their fear.

In Matthew 14: 28-31, Peter asked Jesus to let him walk on the water too. Jesus told him to come, and Peter did. Once he took his eyes off Jesus and began looking at the waves around him, he sank. Peter panicked, “Lord, save me!” Jesus caught him and said “You of little faith…why did you doubt?” Essentially, when we take our eyes off Jesus and focus on the storm around us (try to take control back from God), we begin to doubt in God’s faithfulness and ability. When we focus our eyes upon Jesus, the storm is nothing. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phillippians 4:13.

As I explained in step 3, Ephesians 6:10-18 explains how Christians should put on the armor of God every day. Verse 12 says “our stuggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rules, against the authorities, against the powers of the dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” While all pieces of the armor of God are important, the one relevant to the last step of letting go of control is in verse 15 “and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.”

Our feet are made for walking. If we fit our feet with readiness that comes from the gospel of peace, then we are to be ready at all times to walk out that “gospel of peace” every day. The “gospel of peace” is the salvation we receive from believing that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins. The “gospel of peace” is an action that we are to live out daily in our walk with Jesus: this means that we need to die to ourselves daily. We have to give up control and let God lead us by guiding our steps through salvation. We are called to walk IN peace every day. Talk about giving up control!

Summary

Letting go of control and allowing God to lead us can be scary. I have been on a journey to “let go and let God” for a few months now, not to mention all the years I’ve spent in therapy working through my issues from childhood. I’ve found letting go of control of my hot mess of a life is interwoven with my childhood trauma. The 7 steps I am doing to “let go and let God” are 1. pray, 2. trust in God, 3. study the Word, 4. follow the Golden Rule, 5. love myself, 6. be humble, and 7. walk out my life in the Peace of God.

I hope this list helps someone else struggling through it. If you are in the middle of the storm, I see you. I’ve been there. I am here. Let me tell you, none of it is easy. Let me know in the comments what you think, if you have questions, or just want to chat.

Love and Blessings,

Darling